A Restaurant Review

We are at a restaurant en famille.

I am forbidden to take photos.

I suggest an artistic shot of the silver candelabra

with the candlewax dripping onto the scrubbed pine.

This is vetoed.

Behind us there are tartan rugs draped on the balcony;

this is a good thing because there is an icy draught

from the carpark that is coming through

the large open double doors into the food hall below.

This is not an ordinary restaurant.

This is an organic hotel for vegetables.

The only animals on the menu

are those who have volunteered to be eaten.

MissM chooses a smoothie made from apple, celery and ginger.

It looks like the water that comes out of the washing machine

when I have washed the socks.

She assures me that she loves it.

MasterM cannot face the wholesome ales and asks for tapwater.

I think briefly of asking for a Pepsi

and go for rosehip cordial instead.

Elderflower, it would appear, is Not In Season.

We have come for the steak which is always good

and in a town of pizza places difficult to source.

The much-pierced waitress carefully writes down the order

which is three T -Bone Steaks

one medium to rare, one medium and one well done.

Please don't tell me that charring steak is an abuse - tell MrM.

I have the Slow Cooked Belly of Pork

There is now an extended pause
in which we eat nutritious and very brown bread.

Outside the chef is asking for volunteers among the local bullocks.

MasterM and MissM can see the whole kitchen area.

There is a man with a pile of pumpkins and a very sharp knife.

He looks as though he is doing community service.

I really hope he has been taking his medications.

Eventually the steaks arrive.

We are gratified to see that they flop over the edge of the plates

and hide the cabbage underneath.

MasterM will only discover that his steak

has been contaminated with cabbage

after he has eaten it.

MasterM is hungry.

He eats his steak quickly

and it is only at the end that he realises

that he has been given the well done steak.

A blight is cast upon the evening

because he prefers his done medium to rare.

MrM now realises that his steak is pink.

He is horrified.

I point out helpfully that my pork is divine.

And now to the dessert menu.

The highlight is chocolate brownies with pumpkin icecream.

We think of the man with the sharp knife.

We ask what the other options are.

The other option is baked apple

with all sorts of apple creams, sorbets and foams.

MrM goes for the apple.

It looks like a baked tennis ball

but he tells us it is very wholesome.

We leave knowing that we have supported local agriculture.