Thursday, 1 May 2008

The Thinifer Diet

The adorable Mrs. G. is not happy.
Her diet is not converting her
into the svelte Blog Goddess of her dreams.
She needs help.
Mrs. G. needs the Thinifer diet.

Firstly, as a responsible homeschooler,
I know that she will appreciate the historical context.
The details can be found in
Fattypuffs and Thinifers
by Andre Maurois
illustrated by Fritz Wegner

Once upon a time there were two peoples:
the Fattypuffs and the Thinifers.

The Fattypuffs were fat but happy

and the Thinifers were unhappy but thin.

They were mortal enemies and lived in constant conflict.

The Thinifers ate mostly sphaghetti and sausages.
They had two meals a day and ate standing up.
The principal industries were
manufacture of long, thin things such as wire.
Time was the most valuable commodity
and making yourself comfortable a sign of weakness.
You were not allowed into the country
unless your weight was considered appropriate for your age.

The Fattypuffs lived in a land of domes and cupolas.
Cakes and cream buns were the staple food
and you were not expected to last for an hour
without a nutritious snack to keep you going.
Each meal was followed by a short nap and time was flexible.
You were only allowed into the country
if you weighed more than the recommended minimum.

The conflict came to a head in a dispute
over an island between the two countries
However, in a major strategic error,
the Thinifer army invaded the land of the Fattypuffs.
The Thinifer soldiers started to fall in love
and marry the beautiful Fattypuff women
and before long it was legal to open cake shops in Thiniville.

Eventually a new country was formed
in which Fattypuffs and Thinifers lived together.
It was proclaimed:

"Henceforth, Fattypuffs and Thinifers must form a single nation.
Why should there be these absurd distinctions
as to weight and waistline?
Can the truth only exist
if it weighs less than ten stone?
Must all plump people be wrong?"


I was introduced to the Thinifer diet when I got married
and I have stuck to it ever since.

Eat only long, thin food.

Last night I thought of Mrs. G.
as I drank my wine out of a long thin glass
and laid the long thin baguette on the table.
I realised that it would be selfish of me
to keep this knowledge to myself.

It has worked for me
- it could work for Mrs. G. -
and we need her to look her best
when she opens the gates to the Women's Colony

6 comments:

peppermintpatcher said...

Here I have been breaking off chocolate across the bar. I should have been breaking it along the length to create long thin strips of chocolate.

Thanks, I see where I have been going wrong now!

blackbird said...

On the other hand, I am planning on being the largest, roundest, shortest member of the colony.
And I am leaving all my bras here in Tuvalu.
You'd better pack your camera.

dottycookie said...

I will rebel - I don't want to be a Thinifer (which is just as well, since I never have been and doubtless never shall be!). But then I think I'd rather be a Middleton than the Fattypuff I am becoming ... can I eat long fat food do you think?

Tutta la Storia said...

Was Ebeneezer Scrooge a Thinifer? He certainly resembles that crowd. I love the skinny Greyhound illustration. I had a huge plate of Fettucinni last night--so I am on track, right???

Mrs. G. said...

What fun! Good words and even better visuals. Like Dottie, I would like to be a Middleton so that when I get to our Women's Colony, I will be in good health and live forever. I have a lot of gardeners, I mean gardens to tend to.

Thanks for the advice

bluemountainsmary said...

Oh at last I understand where I have been going wrong.

You are very good to share such excellent knowledge.