MasterM, Brother

I was looking for a particular photo
but I found these instead:

After a while I had to stop looking
because so many happy memories
crowded in upon me.

Eventually, I will find the photo
and then I will show it to you.

Until then
you will have to take my word for it
that MasterM is pretty damn proud
of his sister.

Top Trumps (the Gap Year version)

Guess who is back in town?

We met MasterM at the airport today.

Every time a backpacker came through the doors
our hearts paused...
could this be him?

When he came out wearing a pressed shirt and tie
looking quite unlike the young lad
who left home in January
we were lost for words.

This evening we have eaten roast lamb
and we have drunk the delicious
celebratory Argentinian Malbec
and we are enjoying the traveller's tales.

MasterM tells us that
when he was on the boat to Panama
with his mates, Tim and Tom,
they played Top Trumps with their passports.
There were points for the quality of stamp,
the ink colour variations
and the unusual locations.
MasterM won with his Swaziland stamp.

He is off again next Saturday
collecting more stamps in a passport
that looks impressively battered.

It only has to last until September...

because he won't need
a passport at university...

thank goodness.

Panic on the Internet

MasterM is flying from Ecuador to Argentina,
away from the jungle and the pirate ship
and back to city life.

Or that is what MrM & MrsM thought
when they went to bed...

2320H

can you send me an email
with the times for my flight
and the code if there is one
pronto
because the email has expired
and i cant find it
and it is TOMORROW!!!!!!!!
AHHH!

*****

0530H

MrM wakes up and reads message
but cannot find email
because it has expired
because he too uses AOL.
AHHHHH!

*****

0700H

MrsM wakes up and checks her email
for the flight details
but it was not copied to her.
AHHHHHHH!

*****

0900H

Lydia, the Lovely Travel Agent,
arrives at work
and provides the flight details
and emails them to MasterM
and MrM & MrsM stop quivering
and wait for news
with their fingers crossed.

MasterM, Explorer

Dear Parents,

I have now returned from the 6 day trek through the jungle to the Lost City which was really good.

Unfortunately, my flip flops finally broke so I ended up walking barefoot for 2 days, I think I have 6 blisters now which is a bit annoying.

Furthermore, today when hunger was kicking in on the last of our uphill treks in about 29C I decided on my list of things which I dreamed of from home.

Caramel Digestives
Fanta Orange
Two Boost Bars
Home made tuna sandwich (white bread)
Original Pringles
Fudge
Strawberry Milkshake.

If possible I would like them taken to the airport for my return.


(Mothers of teenage boys will instantly recognise
that this as a true and unexpurgated record.
Mothers of younger boys - take note.)

Postcards from Colombia

Medellin

MasterM
Having a great time in Medellin.
Planning to head up to Cartagena
and the Caribbean.

MrsM
please...
be aware of the risk of swine 'flu
do not go too close to active volcanoes
avoid remote areas where there is a risk of kidnapping
stay away from high risk neighbourhoods in the cities


Cartagena

MasterM
I think we might get this kind of pirate boat
to Panama which stops at these tiny islets.

Doesn't sound too bad.

MrsM
Pirate boat??

Just cruisin'

Somewhere in South America

The Andes between Argentina and Chile.

Dear Parents,

So guess where I am??

It's a country in South America but not Ecuador and its capital is Santiago. Unfortunately, the plane from Buenos Aires was delayed to Santiago so everyone missed their connecting flights to Ecuador and Mexico, that means that unfortunately I have to stay in Santiago tonight.

Not all bad as you are about to find out...

I am in a 5 star hotel, supper, breakfast and mini bar are included. I am debating whether to use the gym and then go for a massage or have a massage then go to the gym then to the spa and jacuzzi or alternatively just watch films on the 40inch plasma screen in my room, which to the 'average juan' would cost $239. As you have probably guessed life is tough. Couple this with the decision I have to make regarding whether to get breakfast in bed and I think you will realise that gap year hasn't turned out as planned.

It's pretty ideal actually because I don't know where TMac and TBrown are in Ecuador so this will give me a chance to find out before I actually get there.

Also got a Chilean stamp in my passport which is really cool as it is a mixture of two different colours on the stamp. Good stuff.

Thats all for now.

oink oink

A Method of Translation

MasterM is translating during a coaching session
between a South African coach
and an Argentinian rugby player.

South African Coach
Ask him if he can do the Goose-Step tackle

MasterM (in Spanish)
Can you do the tackle
when you step like a goose?

Argentinian Player
What on earth do you mean?

MasterM (in English)
He says that he has been trained
in the full range of tackle techniques

South African Coach
But can you make sure
that he can do the Goose-Step tackle.

MasterM (in Spanish)
Listen to me - when I say goose
you must say 'Si!' very loudly.
OK?

Argentinian Player
OK!

MasterM (in Spanish)
Goose!

Argentinian Player
Si!!

MasterM (in English)
He says yes!

MrsM wonders if MasterM will enter the Diplomatic Service.

News from Buenos Aires

...and so I saw these two great fish and I HAD to have them and so I bought a fish tank. When I got them back to the flat I didn't have anything to fill the tank with so I just used a saucepan. It took a while but when it was full I switched on the bubble making machine and it looked so cool and I put the fish in. Then there was this awful cracking sound and the leg on the table collapsed and the fish tank fell on the floor and smashed to smithereens. Not a good moment. And I had to rescue Aztec and Inca (that's what the fish are called) and so I am trying to pick them up and put them in the saucepan but they are all slippery and there is water and glass everywhere. And then I have to get a teaspoon and pick up all the gravel which you need at the bottom of the tank and I put that in the fruit bowl. And it was really sad because the little china tree that hides the bubble making machine was all broken. And the awful thing was that I didn't have a brush or anything so I had to leave it all for the cleaning lady...but don't worry about Aztec and Inca - they are fine - I got a new tank and it is on the bookcase. I don't think they are too traumatised - they are just taking it one day at a time. I just saw a catfish in the shop which I am quite tempted by - I could call him Puma ... or maybe Marco...

Another time, another place

When MasterM was 5 he woke up one morning
and got ready for school.
He put on his little grey shorts
and his little brown sandals
and then he had his breakfast.
It seemed like a normal day.
After breakfast he got his little blue satchel ready
and was just about to brush his teeth
when he clutched his stomach and doubled up in pain.
MrsM was aghast.
Her precious son was in agony.
She made him lie down on the sofa
and phoned the surgery for an emergency appointment.
She whispered the word 'Appendicitis' into the phone
and then bundled MasterM into the car.
MissM and Grandma looked shocked on the doorstep
and MrsM explained hurriedly what to do
if she had to drive straight to the hospital.
MrsM drove quickly but carefully to the surgery
and screeched to a halt outside.

A tiny little voice came from the back seat:

MasterM
"Mummy, I am not really ill"

MrsM
"You are being a very brave boy"

MasterM
"No - I am really NOT ill
I just didn't want to go to school"

MrsM
"Goodness me...why not?"

MasterM
"Because I know we are going to have
beetroot for lunch"

MrsM
"Errr..."

pauses to collect thoughts

"I am very proud of you
for being brave enough to tell me the truth
even though you knew I might be cross."

(yes!! I really did say that!!
It was the high point of my career
as the mother of a 5 year old boy.)

I was reminded of this on Sunday
when we took two of MasterM's friends out to lunch.
One is South African and one is Australian,
now unexpectedly working together in Dorset.
We spoke of MasterM over this beautiful risotto
of roast beetroot and sugar snap peas
and wondered what he was eating in Argentina.

Probably not beetroot.

MasterM, Interior Designer

MasterM has a job in Buenos Aires for the next five months
with a seven room flat to rattle around in.
He tells us that the rooms are massive and rather bare
so he is looking for cheap ways to decorate.

MrsM suggests that he print some of his photographs
but MasterM is dismissive.
He would need so many because the walls are so huge.
Anyway, he has other plans...

MasterM
A fishtank would look really cool...

MrsM
Gasp

MasterM
I went to a petshop today
on my way back from the hairdressers
but they didn't have any Japanese fighting fish...

MrsM
breathes out

MasterM
...but they did have a really beautiful pair of parrots

MrsM
NO!!

MasterM
...I could give them to somebody as a gift when I leave...

MrsM
DEFINITELY NOT!!

MasterM
...there were some really cute Russian Mice

MrsM
Have you actually thought
how many mice
you could have running around your flat
by the time you leave?

MasterM
Good point!

Maybe I will just get a lizard.

p.s. fear not, dear Animal Lovers,
this is merely evidence that
MasterM is missing the endless opportunities
to tease his mother.

MrM and his barber

MasterM has his hair cut by George.
Photo courtesy of MrM.

MrM is very loyal to his barber.
For many years he went to see Franco
and Franco ensured that MrM's back and sides were short
(usually regrettably short)
When MasterM was suitably mature (9 years old)
he too went to see Franco.

There were subtle aspects to the whole experience
because Franco has an elderly assistant with a shock of white hair
known affectionately as 'Einstein'
who quite often gets distracted mid-haircut
talking about Italian football
so that the hair outcome is entirely unpredictable.
He also smokes like a train
and standing near him is a respiratory challenge.
MrM and MasterM always used to thank Einstein politely
if he offered to cut their hair
and tell him that they were waiting for Franco.

There is a third barber
who is occasionally in the shop .
He is known as 'The Other Guy'
and he is the best barber of the team
but it is tricky to say to Franco
'I am waiting for The Other Guy'
and so it was entirely luck of the draw.
Sometimes, if MrM was feeling very kind
he would let MasterM have his hair done by The Other Guy
while he had second best with Franco.

When MasterM was younger
he was required to have short hair for school
and so MrsM would take him to see Franco.
She always felt uncomfortable sitting in the chairs
among the tabloid papers
and the football conversations.
She would give MasterM a pound coin before they went in
and at the end he would hand it to Franco,
still hot from being clutched in his hand,
and say, just as his father did,
'Thank you very much, Franco. See you again soon.'

Later, MasterM decided to grow his hair.
Franco was not happy about this;
it was an affront to his professional pride.
MasterM was obliged to walk on the other side of the street
to avoid having a discussion with Franco.

Today MrM had to visit the barbers.
He has been having his hair cut near his office
but has not been able to make the time to visit
the friendly and talented George the Barber.
When he walked into Franco's nothing had changed...
Einstein waved him to a chair
but MrM said that he would wait for Franco.
Franco was delighted to see MrM
and wanted to know everything that he had done
since he was last in the shop.
He was shocked to hear that MasterM was now 19
and travelling in South America.
Who would cut his hair while he was so far away?

MrM tipped Franco generously,
said goodbye to Einstein
and wondered what to say to MrsM
about his seriously short haircut.

Back to the friendly and talented George the Barber next time.

meanwhile, in Brazil...

MasterM
...[I] was swimming in the river with caimans and piranhas
(I am not joking at all!!),
there were caiman literally 2 metres away from us
and it was fine...
until this giant otter came swimming over
and our guide who was very relaxed
suddenly wanted us to get out of the water
because apparently they DO attack you!

MrsM
I checked out pictures of the Giant Otter
and it looks pretty scary!
Those teeth!!

MasterM
Yeah it is scary
and also big.
(hence the name Giant...)

MrsM remembers that she was worried about bull-running.
She hadn't even considered Giant Otters.

Another Day, Another Snowfall.

I didn't mean my last post to sound so gloomy
but the wireless network crashed
before I could post the final version.

I meant to say that
however much I dread the snow
the last time I had to worry about it
was 18 years ago

and here is my little MasterM
who is now on a beach
somewhere in South America!

MasterM flies South

St. Christopher
from the Belles Heures of the Duc de Berry

By the time that you read this
MasterM will be overhead somewhere,
enroute to South America - first stop Lima, Peru.
I was going to write a jolly post
about all the First Aid that I made him pack ...
but somehow I didn't have the heart.

He left with his rucksack full to the brim:
trek towel, first aid kit, malaria pills,
yellow fever vaccination certificate,
guidebooks, spare mobile phone, universal charger
and 21 pairs of socks.

(Please don't ask me about the socks...
I had a moment of madness...
it seemed ESSENTIAL that he had clean socks.
I know, I know...
I accept that he was very kind to humour me.)

On Saturday night he organised a big party
for 50 of his closest friends
at the pub where he worked in the autumn.
There were friends from school and from South Africa
and people that he had met since the summer.
He invited us too (which was very flattering)
and so we dropped in to say hello.
There was a great atmosphere
and it was good to catch up with these wonderful teenagers
all of them bursting with energy and joie de vivre.
MasterM told us that at the end of the evening
he ordered a shot of Apple Sours for everyone
and even he was impressed
by the long line of shot glasses on the bar.

One of MasterM's great talents is making friends
and not just making them
but the business of keeping them by staying in touch.
I know that when he returns from South America
there will be a long list of new numbers in his mobile phone.

I also know that it will be very quiet while he is away.

The Grand Tour

Today we went for lunch with friends.
They are the parents of MasterM's best friend, T.
The other guests were the parents
of one of his other best friends, B.
We have known these boys since they were 13.
The boys sat at one end of the table,
full of laughter and fun.

At the other end of the table
the parents spoke of
cheap flights,
travel insurance,
inoculations,
tips for travelling safely,
methods for transferring cash in an emergency.

In three weeks time MasterM will be in Peru.
He will meet up with B for a while
before travelling on to Brazil and Argentina.
T will be in Ghana teaching
and will travel to South America in April.
We will not see MasterM again until July.

I feel unbearably anxious.
As you know MasterM is an experienced traveller
but I feel that this trip takes him outside
any safety net that I can create.
He will have to rely on his resources,
common sense and ingenuity.

What can you do?
If you bring your children up to be independent
you have to let them go.

MasterM and the Sugar Mice

MasterM entertains us with tales from the shop floor.

"So...on Christmas Eve
I went down to the store room
and brought up three boxes of sugar mice.
I am telling you I felt just like the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

When I got back to the Confectionery Island
there was a little girl there with her father.
She really wanted to buy some Aniseed balls ...
but you know, they are really hard
and her father didn't want her to buy them.

So I said
"I am afraid that if you eat aniseed balls
you will never be a ballerina"

At this point MasterM does a passable imitation
of a little girl looking at him with big sad eyes.

So then I said
"What about a pink sugar mouse?

Shall I tell you a secret?
Do you know why the cheese counter has to be downstairs?
It is because if it was upstairs
all the sugar mice would get too excited"

Apparently, she bought the sugar mice.

Pictures from The Pied Piper of Hamelin
by Robert Browning
Illustrated by Kate Greenaway
London: Frederick Warne and Co., Ltd., 1888
Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

MasterM, Chocolatier

Why is MrsM photographing this small
(but very expensive)
box of chocolates?

Why is she enchanted by
the beautifully tied bow?

Why is she impressed by
the immaculate placement of the sticky label?

Why is she thrilled by
the careful packing of the chocolates?

Could it be...

because she knows the person who sold the chocolate?

The Benefits of a Classical Education

MasterM and his pals are enjoying a beverage or two
in their favourite hostelry which we shall call
'The Hopping Elephant'.

They decide to text the young Latin teacher
who is known to live nearby and invite him for a drink.

Imagine the scene:
5 young lads clustered around a mobile phone
composing a suitable text message in Latin.
Sadly, the young Latin teacher could not join them
because he was writing school reports "ut semper*".

(It is good to know that MasterM's education was not wasted.)

*as always

Happy Birthday, MasterM

This year MasterM has learned:

1.
That his sister really appreciates a phone call
because she misses him a lot.

2.
That his father will drive to London
in the middle of the night to collect him.

3.
That he can open beer bottles with his eye socket
which is good for impressing girls...
unless they are ophthalmologists.

4.
That if he insists on wearing a copper bangle
through metal detectors he can expect to get
undivided attention from the security guards.

5.
That it is possible to read 37 post-1945 plays in 12 days.

6.
That hard work brings good results.

7.
That it is possible to look handsome
in tights and knee breeches.

8.
That his mother will still be cross six weeks later
if he takes the top of her toothpaste tube to South Africa
and leaves his bunged up lid in exchange.

9.
That dirty laundry does not walk downstairs by itself.

10.
That it is better to use a sharp razor
when shaving for a job interview.

11.
That his dog adores him.
(Actually, he knew that anyway)

12.
That his mother will look shocked if he says
that he does not want a Birthday Cake.

We are going out to a South African restaurant instead.

Text Alert

MasterM is on the last train home.
He has forgotten his house keys.
Again.

MrM
You can sleep in the Wendy House.
It will toughen you up.

MasterM
Does it have central heating?

MrM
Only if you have a box of matches...

MasterM
Oh...can you leave a hot water bottle out for me...

MrM
Poppy says she will let you in.

MasterM
Does she have keys
or do I have to come in through the dog flap?

But...
of course...
we waited up
and had that rush of pleasure and relief
when he walked through the door.
Safe.