All Aboard the Charabanc

the following invitation was found on the photocopier...

The next Day of Culture
will consist of a visit to Brighton
to explore a number of themes
related to the Social and Cultural Research Group.

We will meet at the The Royal Pavilion Gardens
and visit the Brighton Museum
to consider issues such as:
health, housing, religion
civic pride, sport and other social activities
through a range of objects and printed ephemera.

The exhibition will help contextualise
the second activity of the day
raising questions that we might like to contemplate
as we move beyond the museum space.

Next we will visit
the historic ‘Lanes’ area of Brighton
which has a vibrant café culture
and is characterised by
second-hand and antique emporiums
as well as flea markets
making it an ideal place to pause
and consider a number of themes
including consumption,
the histories of objects
and material culture.

Finally, we will visit the Pier, promenade and beach
to consider the role of tourism
in the creation of Brighton, past and present.

You may wish to read the following
as an introduction to some of the themes
that might arise during the day:

Shields R (1991)
‘Ritual pleasures of a seaside resort
liminality, carnivalesque and dirty weekends’
from Places on the Margin: Routledge: London

Miller D (1998)
Theory of Shopping
Polity Press: Cambridge

*****

MrsM admits to adding the illustrations.

Needless to say, MrsM must remain in the office
to ensure that the administrative wheels
of the Department run smoothly...

On the far bank...

The Bathers - José de Almada Negreiros (1925)

I have scrambled out onto the far bank
beyond the detailed auditing of marking
and the careful choreography
of examination board meetings;
the Finalists' barbeque,
dinner with visiting examiners
and meetings with students who have failed.

My mind has been quite empty of anything
other than the day to day requirements of my job.
I reached maximum capacity
and pebbles were tumbling out of the jar.
Yesterday I wondered if I would ever write again.

I tried to remember how I had done it before.
It was difficult to believe that
day after day
the words for posts
had obediently organised themselves
in neat rows
with very little effort.

Today I walked across campus to deliver the agreed marks
clutching the memory stick that represented
months of hard work by so many people.
When I arrived at the building
I could not find my way in.
I walked around the building twice
looking for the entrance
and eventually found a small door.
Then I got lost inside and had to ask
a socked and sandalled Mathematician
to show me the way.
It was a ridiculous end
and I thought...

I should write about this...

Just for the Record

1.
Red pen for result.
Blue pen for explanation.
Black pen for comment.

2.
The Educational Support Officer
is wearing bright green Converse
and dark grey boardies.

3.
'We need...
more chocolate biscuits...
urgently'
says the Deputy Exams Officer.

4.
Mark entry.
Long columns of numbers.
Checked.
Printed.
Double checked.

5.
Two students in summer dresses
are strolling across campus
eating ice creams.
Carefree.

6.
After analysis
a mark is adjusted
to compensate for
rounding error.
It might make all the difference.

7.
A queue of party goers
waiting for a bus
in bright cocktail dresses and high heels
are off clubbing.

8.
Mark entry is completed early.
The Exams Officer
and the Deputy Exams Officer
are all smiles.

9.
The StudentSoc are planning a boat party.
I must have looked slightly alarmed
because she says soothingly
'Don't worry - I won't be drinking -
I will make sure nobody falls over the side'.

10.
The very fierce lady
in the Exams Office says
'Well Done'.

11.
Offices on the Quad
will be disturbed by soundchecks
for the Summer Ball.

12.
There are more meetings to come.
Some will need lots of Kleenex
but the end is in sight.

Learning at Work

You have not yet met
the Professor who shall be nameless
but he has a mischievous sense of humour.

He sends me a link to
the Learning at Work Day homepage.
He knows that I will be entertained
by the list of prizewinners of the
'Name the Fruit and Vegetable' Competition.

The Professor who shall be nameless
does not mention that
a Very August Colleague
is a prizewinner.

As luck would have it,
the Very August Colleague
is the next person to come into my office.

I congratulate the Very August Colleague
on this extraordinary achievement.
He glows with pride.

I got 33 out of 40.
I am amazed.

Not everyone can identify a Mangosteen, you know.
I am impressed.

I thought it was VERY unfair
that I was expected to know it was a Medjool Date.
I just wrote Date.
I am sympathetic.

I didn't recognize the Dragon Fruit
but who would?

I would!
I say.

He looks doubtful.
He is, after all,
a widely travelled,
highly respected,
senior Professor
who gets letters published in the Guardian.
If he doesn't recognise a Dragon Fruit,
it is unlikely that I will.

But it is true.
I would recognise a Dragon Fruit.

*****

Later, MrsM recounts the story to MissM.
She looks slightly mystified.

Why did he win?
What did he call it?
Oh! I SEE ...
I thought it was 'NAME the Fruit and Veg...'
like 'Billy-Bob...the Carrot'

MrsM realises that she may have to
sharpen her act before
she gives up the day job.

Equal Opportunities

Lecture Theatre

tiered seats of excruciating discomfort
each patinated bench with a brass ink well
primrose walls and white plasterwork
black iron wall radiators
smoky glass pendant lamp

the man at the lectern
describes the manifold ways
in which discrimination should be avoided
in a dry, monotonous voice

it delights me to think
that this same lecture theatre was built
for the sole use of young women
who were educated here
but were unable to graduate
and returned to a world where
only men could vote

what would they think of this
equal opportunity legislation?

Students - 1891

Special Arrangements

Alice,
I don't want to worry you
but...

the invigilators have not arrived.
Could you phone the exams office?

Wait a minute!
Why is that candidate walking out of the building?

What do you mean - the invigilators are lost?

I am going to go back and reassure the other candidate.

He's gone!
This is a disaster...
we have no invigilators and no candidates.

Phone the exams office
but don't tell them
we have lost the candidates.

Ah! Here is an invigilator...

I am afraid that you will not be in the room
on the schedule because the computer centre
set up the computer in the other room.
I am afraid that we don't have a candidate either.

Ah! Here is a candidate.

Oh dear - it is the other candidate
and his invigilator is still missing.

I am going to walk around the building
and see if I can spot anyone who looks lost.

*****

Some candidates have special arrangements
for their exams which take account
of particular challenges that they face.

These students are in individual examination rooms
and may have computer equipment or a note-taker.

This year we have a number of candidates
with special examination arrangements
including a finalist with cerebral palsy.

Invitation to a Private View

The artist, smiling.
The husband, relieved.
The mature student, gesticulating.
The photographer, bored.
The research director, self-deprecating.
The gallery receptionist, blase.
The influential woman, networking.
The blogger, fascinated.

*****

The images were taken, with permission,
at the private view of an exhibition,
Moving Patterns,
at the Royal Geographical Society.
It is the culmination of a research project
to consider the effect of migration on artistic expression.

It involved collaboration with artists
who have a variety of visual references from different cultures.
One artist amalgamates the structure of tartan
and the Indian tradition of gold and silver artwork.

Another artist uses images such as
the double decker bus and helmeted policeman
in repetitive patterns.

If you thought that
Geography was all about maps
you are so out of date.

Clock-watching

MrsM has been signed up for a Time Management course.
MrsM is aggrieved. She does not think that she needs to attend.
MrsM is informed that it is compulsory.
MrsM provides a credible excuse for the first session:

"Board Meeting"

MrsM provides a credible excuse for the second session:

"Recruitment"

MrsM runs out of excuses.

MrsM checks her diary first thing in the morning. It is The Day.
MrsM shakes her head at the shocking waste of time.
MrsM arrives with a minute to spare.

There is no-one there.
MrsM is a week early.
MrsM turns around to see the course organiser.
MrsM is busted.

Alas! MrsM knows that the course organiser knows that
MrsM really, really needs a Time Management course.
And the course organiser knows that MrsM knows that.

It is a bitter medicine to swallow.

Just for the Record

1.
It is the first day of the exam term.
Another year, another exam timetable.

2.
The Chair of the Board of Examiners
and the Educational Support Officer
sit in my office looking gloomy.

3.
Marks,
Modules,
Moderation,
Extenuating Circumstances,
External Examiners,
Appeals.

4.
The Chair of the Board of Examiners
has started to think in decimal points already.

5*.
I tell him that the invigilator
has emailed from Jordan to confirm
that she will be back in time for the first exam.

6.
The Educational Support Officer
is responsible for students with problems.
I admire him - it is a difficult job.

7.
I point to the traditional tin of chocolate biscuits
for the sole use of examiners.
It is a feeble attempt to lighten the mood.

8.
They dictate an email to be sent to all students.
My erratic typing makes them laugh.

9.
We agree that "Groundhog Day"
is a truly great film.

10.
The Chair of the Board of Examiners
takes the notices from the filing cabinet:

Quiet - Exam In Progress

11.
It will all be over in five weeks.

12.
I consider warning my blog friends
that I may be slow to respond to emails.

No change there either.

*with fivefold thanks to Quinn

Just for the Record

The Department Board Meeting.

It is nearly the end of term.
Everyone is tired and scratchy.

1.
It is lunch time.
The smell of onion soup
drifts across the room.

2.
The Head of Department
has a vivid orange and red waistcoat.
With matching socks.

3.
The business of the department is discussed.
Everyone is there apart from
the Professor who has meetings in Sierra Leone.

4.
The tiny American academic
is wearing a beautifully cut
short suede skirt
with long black boots.

5.
The Admissions Tutor thanks everyone
for their hard work
supporting the admissions process.
Evening Lectures, Open Days, School Visits.
Applications are up.

6.
The academic who dreams of golf courses says
"I am worried that soil is slipping off the agenda."

7.
The enthusiastic academic
is not happy about a proposal.
It has not been properly presented.
The air sparkles.

8.
I am distracted by the sight of a heron
in the blue sky outside the window.
That part of the meeting will not be recorded.

9.
The person next to me is eating
curried chicken in a ciabatta.
It is in imminent danger
of cascading all over his notebook.

10.
The Professor of whom we spoke
requests information about manual handling
with a mischievous glint in his eye.

11.
The Libyan expert is congratulated
on his forthcoming marriage.
Everyone applauds.
He blushes.

12.
Outside, the Magnolia stellata is in full bloom.
In another life I would have been in the garden.

Just for the Record

1.
A young finalist breezes into my office.
As she leaves I notice her well organised backpack.
With a pocket for a water bottle.
Students in my previous Department
did not use backpacks.
Which might explain why
they were always losing things.

2.
This Professor can't stop to chat
because he has a conference call to Alaska.
It is a telephone-interview
for the Masters course.
I wonder if the candidate is smartly dressed
as they try to impress him from afar.

3.
I discuss the arrangements with a PhD student
for a research trip to Vietnam.
We agree that it is unlikely that
rickshaw drivers will write receipts.

4.
There is champagne in my office fridge
for the next PhD student
to celebrate a successful defence of their thesis.

5.
It is such a pleasure to write an email which starts
Dear Dr....
Congratulations...

6.
Four of the best Post doctorate students in the Department
have come to the end of their research grants.
It is so difficult to say goodbye.

7.
Waiting to hear if a grant application
has been successful
is nerve-wracking.
Grey skin and bags under the eyes
kind of nerve-wracking.
A young academic career hangs in the balance.

8.
This young academic has just got his first job.
He shakes hands in a calm, courteous manner.
But as soon as he steps out of my office
he is surrounded by friends
rushing out of offices,
cheering, hugging him and each other
and hurrying him off to celebrate.

9.
My Libyan expert is getting married next month.
He will be spending his honeymoon in Namibia
because he has 'always wanted to go there'.
I hope his wife-to-be enjoys travelling.

10.
Little Rosa comes to see her daddy in his office.
I tell her about the little girl cousin
- also called Rosa -
who is very, very,very naughty.
Little Rosa's eyes grow large with delight.

11.
I receive a special request for
next year's timetable.
I am delighted to be able to help.
I like to think that two children
can take it for granted that their father,
an eminent Professor,
will be home in time to supervise splashes and bubbles.

12.
It is the people that you work with
that make the work worthwhile.

Just for the Record

1.
We spend an afternoon locked in a quiet office
scrutinising exam papers.

2.
Everything must be perfect.
Font, format, spelling, grammar,
language, content, style.
There is no room for error.

3.
The Chair of the Exam Board is a serious, careful academic.
He is exceptionally methodical.
His attention to detail is quite frightening.
He is just the right person for the job.

4.
The word 'amongst' is rejected as archaic;
the word 'impacted' is rejected as nouveau
and the word 'conceptualise' as too difficult.

5.
The ex-vegetarian academic who enthuses about duck
is also passionate about commas.

6.
The answer to one question is "Woolly Mammoths"
and the academic next to me says
"Have you ever thought about
how much a woolly mammoth ate?"
Errrr....no.....

7.
The academic who reminds me of Ali enthuses
"What an amazing idea!
What a fascinating question!
We teach our students such interesting topics.
This has made me fall in love with my subject
all over again."

8.
One Professor is in disgrace
because his exam paper is so badly written
that it is rejected.

9.
The tiny American academic
has written an exam paper that is much admired.
The questions are concise, thought provoking and varied.

10.
Another Professor has re-used a question from last year.
This sort of recycling is NOT considered good form.

11.
There is much anxious shuffling
when the paper of one of the panel members is considered.
Each correction is agreed with an embarrassed laugh
and there is a heartfelt sigh of relief
at the end of the process.

12.
After four hours my brain begins to melt
and the corrections on the papers
seem to merge
into
red
ink
blobs.

Just for the Record

1.
Sunlight glinting on sugar crystals catches my eye.

2.
The lady who cleans my office brings in
homemade onion bhajjis
in the most extravagant and eccentric shapes.

3.
The tiny American academic tells of her Christmas holiday.
She travelled in rural parts of Japan
and ate ferns.

4.
The noisy South African academic listens politely
and then tells of his conference in China
where he ended up in a restaurant called
The House of Frogs.
Everything on the menu was based on frogs.

5.
The tiny American academic rises to the challenge.
She tells us that she was the honoured guest
at a meal in China
and was given a bowl
and a plastic glove.
She retrieved the goose foot
from the bright orange sauce
and chewed it ostentatiously.
It was essential to show how much she enjoyed it.

6.
The South African retires gracefully.
The tiny American wins.

7.
My tall, friendly academic from two offices down
explains that he is no longer vegetarian.
He stayed in a hotel in Wales with an amazing menu
and had an overnight conversion
so that he could eat the Full English Cooked Breakfast.

8.
This ex-vegetarian describes a dish of duck
cooked with red onions and plum sauce
in such detail that it makes me feel hungry to think of it.

9.
What will MasterM be eating
this time next week?

10.
We pore over guide books
with recommendations for steak restaurants
in Buenos Aires.

10.
He reminds me that his uncle
came back from South America
with bags of deep fried grasshoppers.

11.
Roast Beef for supper.

11.
Unless I go to the supermarket NOW
there will be no food in the house this week.
We might need to eat the pointsettia.
Which would be bad for Family Karma.

Just for the Record

1.
A black cat sits and waits for me to walk past
and then slowly and deliberately walks in front of me.
I feel lucky today.

2.
The chocolate tart at the Department Christmas Lunch
is the lightest of mousse
on top of a thin layer of Florentine.
Delicious.

3.
A small granddaughter arrives for
the Children's Christmas Party.
She sparkles with sequins and smiles.

4.
Why is this student is wearing a long black coat.
And black sunglasses.
And a white, furry hood with earflaps and bobbles?
Think Mafia meets Bugs Bunny.

5.
There is a man outside my office doing T'ai Chi.
It is extraordinary how much he can do
balanced on one leg.

6.
I receive an apology for a missed meeting
"I was queuing at the Libyan Embassy.
They had run out of stickers"

7.
Colleagues email from Venice.
It is flooded and they need a boat
to take them to a restaurant.
Poor things.

8.
What is the correct way to address a student
dressed as a Father Christmas Dog?

9.
I am told that the office doorstop which I inherited
is a chunk of Volcanic Lava from Iceland.
It is, apparently, 'very mobile'.

10.
The December page of the Student Naked Calendar
is slightly too fresh for the Reception
and is covered with strategic Post-It notes.

11.
MrM wins £50 in the Premium Bonds.
He generously agrees to go 'halfy/halfy' with me...
(on the basis that if I win £1 million he wants a share)

12.
Somehow I have made it
to end of the first term
in my new job.
I am exhausted.

The Inaugural Address

The action takes place in a single evening.

SCENE 1

My Office
Time : 5pm

The Professor of whom we speak is handing me a scrawled expense claim for a James Bond DVD. There are many gaps in the form – as usual. He has a young academic with him and within minutes we are all gasping with laughter as the Professor of whom we speak tells stories of his wicked childhood.

He leaves, shirt tail adrift.

SCENE 2

A Large Lecture Theatre
Time : 6pm

The Professor of whom we speak is standing in front of several hundred people. There is an expectant buzz because this is an Inaugural Address. It is the moment that marks the promotion of a Professor. His family are there in the front row, his mentors from his meteoric rise through Academia, the Management, his colleagues from the Department, his students. It will not be a standard academic lecture – it will be a review of his subject to which he is a leading contributor and a look back at the people and places that have inspired him. We lean back in our seats – we know this will be a bravura performance.

His wife has obviously persuaded him to wear a more appropriate jacket.

SCENE 3

The Foyer
Time : 7pm

The Professor of whom we speak is surrounded by a crowd of people congratulating him. He has spoken for exactly an hour without notes. He has checked his watch only once. He has entertained his audience and communicated his enthusiasm for a subject which takes him to areas of international conflict. He has acknowledged his mentors and thanked his colleagues. It is just as well he was not sacked for the false fire alarm caused by riotous living in his first month in the Department because he is a huge asset.

Even if he is incapable of completing an expense form.

Just for the Record

1. A phone call overheard
“…that and hedgehogs are his abiding passions”

2. I authorise an expense claim for waders.
They did not need waders in my previous Department.

3. Much chatter and laughter
near the poster requesting volunteers for
the Traditional Naked Calendar.

4. A field trip discussed
“...it was great...
a whole week digging
into the back wall of a cave with a teaspoon...
and now I get to go to Spain to analyse the samples...”

5. An interview candidate with wild professorial hair
and a collar half up, half down.
I wonder if it is deliberate.

6. My friend the Catering Delivery Man smiles broadly
to see me in my new office.
I smile to see him...
nobody lays out a buffet lunch as beautifully as he does.

7. A colleague who cannot attend the Christmas lunch apologises.
He has to go to Venice.
He is very regretful.
He would rather go to the lunch

8. An unexpected gift from China
in packaging pretty enough to frame.

9. A student with slender fuschia pink legs
like an escaped flamingo

10. New vistas opening up
through the leafless branches of trees
outside my office.

11. I did not buy the gilet.
But I should have.
I am too easily intimidated.

12. I have finally found some Christmas Cards that I like.
It was hard this year.
Now I can start shopping for presents.

Just for the Record...

1. A blackbird watches me on my way to work,
beak as bright as the Pyracantha berries it is eating.

2. A tall young man in full Goth regalia
clanks in front of me.
I wonder if he polishes all those chains.

3. Two magpies are taking a bath in the pool of water
on the flat roof outside my office.
Such busy splashing makes me smile.

4. The Solanum plant on my windowsill is growing!
There are new flowers!

5. The President of the Student society
bursts into my office,
her blonde hair glowing under her red cable beret.
She is adorable.

6. A colleague who will be in Morocco next week
promises to bring me something small from the local souk.
He beams with energy and enthusiasm about his work.

7. I meet a student from my old Department
and hear his plans for the weekend...
he will be singing in Westminster Abbey.

8. On my way home the aroma of Chinese takeaway
drifts from the student halls.

9. Here are two students wearing cycle helmets,
completely encased in bubble wrap.
It would appear that they are doing
downhill racing on office swivel chairs.

10. I feel guilty about the fact that I am not always able
to read my friends' blogs during the week
but I know that I will have some time this weekend.

11. I am hoping to persuade MrM to take me
to a Japanese restaurant this weekend.

12. This is the first Friday evening
that I have not felt ill with exhaustion.

An Office Warming Party

Welcome!
I thought you might like to have a look around.

Here is my screen.

It has been much admired.
It is big enough for large financial spreadsheets
and wide enough to watch tennis.

Would you like a coffee?

Please appreciate my mugs
which have a strong graphic design
inspired by much reading of blogs
featuring modern fabrics.

The view from the window might seem dreary
but there is a flat roof outside
and a magpie often sits there.

I like that.

A lot.

I would rather be...

...sitting in the sunshine
eating my breakfast.

Does anybody else want to finish the Timetable?

A Sense of Humour Required

I wrote last week about my new job and now I would like to put that post into perspective.

I gave up work to look after MasterM and MissM and I never regretted a moment of the time spent with them as they grew up but one day, after 13 years, I went shopping and I was surrounded by retired people. I realised that if I stayed at home any longer I would become isolated and unhappy.

It could have been very hard to make the step over the threshold but on that day, the only occasion I have ever read the employment section in the local paper, I saw an advert which said:

Must enjoy the company of young people.
A sense of humour required.

After 13 years at home these were the only things that I knew I could offer an employer. It was just as well that it didn't ask for experience working with computers because I didn't have any. I didn't even know how to switch a computer on.

The job was Receptionist in the Medical Centre of a local University and it was perfect - part time, close to home and low skill. Through it I regained my self confidence and that was important because living at home with small children can change your perception of yourself. I also learned how to switch on computers.

I was a Medical Receptionist for 18 months. I don't think I could have stayed a moment longer because I started to get bored. It didn't matter - I had a reference and skills that I could transfer to a more challenging role.

My experience has been that it is possible to step over the threshold into a different world when you feel the time is right. You don't need to take a huge leap. Everyone has special qualities to offer - even if they are as basic as A Sense of Humour - and you will quickly learn new skills.

Don't ever, ever underestimate your potential.