Planning ahead

Mr and Mrs Ralph Izard by John Singleton Copley (1775)

MrM and MrsM have a free weekend ahead of them.
For the first time for years and years and years
they have no responsibilities at all.

MrsM
We could just go...somewhere...

MrM
Where?

MrsM
Herefordshire.

MrM
Why?

MrsM
I don't know...it just popped into my head...

MrM
What is there to do in Herefordshire?

MrsM
I have no idea.

MrM
There must be something to do.

MrsM
We can drink Westons cider.

MrM
Pass the phone.
I will book a hotel.

A Truth Quietly Told

C started his PhD after he retired.
He often drops by my office for a chat
and he always has something interesting to say.
When I saw him on Monday
he asked if I had had a good weekend.
It is what you say on Mondays
and I replied, without thinking very much,

"Yes, it was really nice.
We didn't DO very much
but it was very relaxing.
It was just my husband and me."

He turned back from the door

"Enjoy every moment of weekends like that."

I felt terrible because I had forgotten
that he had been widowed in the past two years
and I started to apologise
but he stopped me

"No...please don't think that I am asking for sympathy...
I just want you to know how precious that time is."

The Ten Commandments

1.
Thou shalt honour MrM
who is the mobile phone coordinator for the Family.
2.
Thou shalt respect thy mobile phone
which is a valuable item.
3.
Thou shalt be awed by MrM's encyclopaedic knowledge
of tariffs and special offers.
4.
Thou shalt attempt to use up thy monthly text allowance.
5.
Thou shalt not under any circumstances
make calls from overseas with thy UK sim card.
6.
Thou shalt not leave thy mobile phone at home.
7.
Thou shalt not lose thy mobile phone
at the bottom of thy handbag.
8.
Thou shalt not drop thy mobile phone
in a supermarket car park.
9.
Thou shalt not delete texts about London Irish
from MrM without reading them.
10.
Thou shalt not laugh uncontrollably
when MrM confesses that
he dropped his new Blackberry in the bath
and when he had secretly dried it out in the airing cupboard
it almost worked.
Except the number 5.

MrM Gets His Revenge

Monday Morning

MrM
"Get Up!
Get UP!
GET UP!!
Do you know what the time is??
It is 7.15"

MrsM leaps out of bed.
It is her first day back at work
and she does not want to be late.

She is very disappointed
that her new alarm clock
(which she bought while MrM was considering bags)
has let her down.

She runs downstairs to the kitchen
where she discovers that...

It is not 7.15am...



It is 6.15am.

She totters back upstairs to bed for half an hour.

(MrM claims that this was an innocent mistake.)

Shopping with MrM

I regret to report that
MrM and MrsM have just had an argument.
In Public.
Oh! The Shame!

MrM decided that he needed an Executive Rucksack
to carry his laptop and his important business paraphenalia
(pencil case, iPod, Financial Times).
MrsM regrets the passing of the leather briefcase
but understands that times move on.
Fashions change.

MrM and MrsM go to a very large Department Store
with a lot of stylish options.
MrsM has been shopping with MrM before
and she knows that the best thing to do is abandon him
with the poor shop assistant for half an hour
so that MrM can explore exhaustively
the many features of the bags on offer.
In the meantime MrsM will check out all the special offers
in the entire store.

At the end of the 30 minutes MrsM goes back
to the bag department and rescues the poor shop assistant
who is looking as though he is going to sign himself
into the Priory for work-related stress.

On this occasion MrsM arrives to discover a catastrophe.
MrM has fallen in love with a Swiss Army bag.
It has 34 pockets
and each pocket has two zip fobs with the Swiss flag on.
If there was a light breeze MrM would become a wind chime.

MrM looks so happy with his choice.

MrsM
"NO!"

MrM looks crushed.

MrsM
"Take the smart, black, executive bag"

MrM points to the big label with the Swiss Flag on.

MrsM
"Think of your image"
MrM
"Don't you thinks it looks macho?"
MrsM
"You should be aspiring to intelligent not macho"
MrM
"It has 34 pockets including one for my iPod"
MrsM
"It looks as though you stole it from your seven year old son"
MrM
"It is me that has to use it"
MrsM
"Listen to me carefully.
I am going to leave you now and go and have a cup of coffee
You can join me when you have bought
the smart, black, executive bag."

At this point the shop assistant looks desperate.

MrsM
"If you think I have been harsh,
imagine what MissM would say"

(MrM will be commuting tomorrow with
a smart, black, executive bag.)

Sleeping Beauty

MrM has made the bed.
It is, frankly, a disappointment.
It does not create the Designer Interior ambience
that we aspire to here at ChezMagpie.

William A. Breakspeare (date unknown)

However, today is different
because MrsM has just been on
a Performance Management training course.

Maxfield Parrish (1912)

Early Intervention
MrsM
Can we have a private word please?
MrM
Errr...why?

Jennie Harbour (1921)

Describe the Expected Standards
MrsM
I want to talk to you
about the way that you made the bed this morning.
I am afraid that it did not meet
the minimum standard that has been agreed.
The pillows were not plumped,
the duvet was hanging off the bed
and the counterpane was unacceptedly wrinkled.
MrM
Well...I must admit that it wasn't my best effort

Warwick Goble (1913)

Determine the Cause
MrsM
Do you need me to show you
how to make the bed again?
Do you have personal reasons
which prevent you from making the bed?
Do you understand why
we want the bed to look comfortable?
MrM
Errr...yes...I mean, no...

Edward Coley Burne-Jones

Develop an Emotional Contract
MrsM
It is my job to manage this family
This issue threatens our success
I want to work with you to find a solution

W. Heath Robinson (1921)

MrM sniggers.
MrsM loses the calm, authoritative tone.

Arthur Rackham (1916)

She may need to consult her notes.

Saturday Morning

MrsM is Very Busy.

MrsM's List
Housework,
Laundry,
Shopping
Flower Arranging.

MrM is also Busy, Busy.

MrM's List
Catch up on Sleep
Honey for Breakfast
Read Papers
Decide What to Wear

MrsM starts to get cross with MrM
It is 8.15am and he has done NOTHING.

MrM decides to lighten the mood.
Option 1
Helpful Suggestions for Blog Posts
(Parsnips??)
Option 2
Mentions their long lost Children
(This almost works)

MrsM has a Schedule and must not be distracted
because she has an Important Meeting.
MrsM starts to get Very Cross.
(Tone of Voice: FIRM)
She tells MrM he must do something Useful
by the time she comes back from The Shop.

MrM promises to organise a Map
of the Hundred Acre Wood.

Later MrsM is VERY grateful to MrM
for aforementioned map.

Moral:
Small Contributions can be Crucial to the Objective

MasterM saves the day

It is our wedding anniversary
and we are having a romantic night out.

It was an Elizabethan manor with moat

and is now the swishest of hotels.

(it was a special offer)

The bathmats are monogrammed

(and so are the towels, the sheets, the coasters, the carpets...)

Everything is designed to help us to forget everyday life.

(the note says you can buy these bottles for£4.50)

We sit on the terrace
to drink champagne cocktails by candlelight

(the one on the right is a Bellini made with peach puree)

And then relax over a delicious dinner.

(so much oak panelling that it looks as though we are eating in the dark)

At least - that was how I imagined it.

It had not been drawn to my attention

that it was the opening night of

The Rugby World Cup.

MrM is reluctant to leave the wide screen TV.

MrsM starts to stamp her little foot.

But MasterM has a backup plan...

he will send text scores throughout the evening...

So MrM spends the evening

looking surreptiously at his mobile.

I thought that I was very tolerant
but I did decline the offer
to watch the match highlights at midnight.

In Which I 'fess Up

"There is something you need to know"



"So let me get this straight. I am MrM"

"Yes"

"And the children are MasterM and MissM"

"Yes"

"Does that make us the M&Ms?"